Dear Therapist,
My wife of 31 years and I are currently dealing with an issue that I thought happened only in books and movies, but boy, was I wrong.
I recently received an email that started out “This is going to sound strange … but I think you know my mother?” Well, I did know his mother, because I dated her as a teenager and young adult, and now I have a 35-year-old son I knew nothing about as well as five grandchildren (confirmed through DNA)!
The emotions were difficult at first, going from frustration, anger, guilt, and anxiety to hopefulness and wonderment about the possibilities. Both my son and his wife want to develop a relationship with me and see how things go, for which I’m thankful. To be honest, I’ve cried more in the past two months than I have in the past 35 years combined! I think by now I have let go of the anger and guilt I felt about, in a sense, abandoning a son, losing out on years of that relationship—feelings made more intense by the fact that he had a difficult childhood. My wife and our four children have responded amazingly. They talk, text, and play online games on a regular basis with their newly discovered extended family, and to my delight, they are building relationships.
We have been planning a cross-country trip to see my son, his wife, and their children in person, but planning this trip has brought back some long-buried trauma for my wife. The breakup with my son’s mother was less than amicable—she ended it and left me devastated. She tended to “come around” from time to time, even during the early days of my new relationship with my wife. This made my now-wife extremely uncomfortable, and I did not react like I should have (or would now) to reassure her that I in no way desired to be reunited with this other woman.
Even though my wife is supportive of building a new relationship with my son and his family, she is worried about joint family functions where my son’s mother might also be present. In fact, she has forbidden any interaction between my son’s mother and me (a decree I agree with and support), and she has also asked my son to keep the relationships completely separate—meaning not talking with his mother about anything we might say, do, or experience together. I brought up the fact that there will be life events where even unwanted interaction is nearly unavoidable—graduations, weddings, etc. She agreed that these are important events but is unmoved in her position. She says she would refuse to be in the same place as my son’s mother. My oldest granddaughter is a freshman in high school and will graduate in a few years—an event I would not want to miss, assuming the relationships continue to develop as I believe they will.
I don’t blame my wife and completely understand that I handled things badly decades ago.
How can I help her through this in a loving, supportive way?
Dear Reader,
How wonderful that your family has embraced this surprise discovery in such a supportive way. Adding more love to what sounds like an already large and loving family is a beautiful choice, and has the potential to be immensely rewarding. Still, introducing new family members into an existing system can be complicated for each person involved, and because your letter focuses on your wife’s discomfort, let’s consider her perspective.
There are two layers to what your wife might be experiencing. First, like you, she is adjusting to a new and unexpected reality. Not only is she inheriting an ex-partner of her spouse’s and a stepson, which can be challenging for any relationship, but she’s also been stripped of the freedom of choice that comes with knowing that they were part of the package from the start. Had this information been available to her before you decided to marry, she would have had the choice to accept (or not) the people you came into her life with. Of course, your son’s existence was news to you too, but you’ll need to allow for different emotional reactions to the news. For instance, whereas you felt guilt and anger related to not knowing about him earlier, along with giddiness and gratitude about the possibilities that lie ahead, your wife might feel a mixture of excitement for you and anxiety about how these new people will affect her marriage and your relationships with the children you had together. Moreover, because she wants to support you as you navigate this relationship with your son, she might not feel comfortable sharing any worries about what the presence of this adult child might bring to your already established family.
Now add to this the second layer: the history both of you share, ostensibly around your son’s mother. I say ostensibly because the pain your wife carries (what you’re calling trauma) has little to do with your son’s mother and everything to do with you and your wife. What happened between you seems very understandable: You were devastated by a breakup, met someone wonderful soon thereafter, and were still dealing with residual feelings that prevented you from setting appropriate boundaries and prioritizing your new girlfriend’s (now wife’s) comfort. Because you were young and less experienced in relationships, what started as a lack of attunement to your own feelings and those of your new girlfriend became a wound of mistrust that was never properly repaired. Your ex-girlfriend might have gone away, but the trust issue between you and your wife didn’t, because some 30 years later, she still feels threatened. And although she believes that the solution is once again to make the ex-girlfriend go away (by having no contact and forbidding the mere mention of your family by the son), the solution is in fact to process the breach of trust together—the very same solution that should have been pursued back then.
This might look like sitting down with your wife, taking her hands in yours, looking into her eyes, and saying something like: “I love you beyond measure. Being married to you for the past three decades and raising our wonderful children together has brought me more joy than I could have asked for. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, and it pains me to think about how deeply I did so when I was young and didn’t know what I know now about relationships. I was in the throes of what felt at the time to be a traumatic breakup, and I also knew I had just met the most amazing woman when I met you, and I didn’t have the maturity then to figure out how to handle these two big events coinciding in my life. I take full responsibility for not protecting our relationship, and I’m deeply sorry for how painful that was for you. If I could go back and handle this differently, I would—but the good news is, I have an opportunity to handle it differently now, having learned a lot from our long, strong marriage. Can we talk about how we can work together to create boundaries that also reflect the trust we’ve built over the past several decades?”
You can start by asking more about her experience and her fears so that you can treat them with care this time around: How is she feeling about the discovery of this grown son and his wife and children? What are her concerns about how their being in your lives might affect you, her, or your children? What does she imagine will happen if you and she see your ex at a grandchild’s graduation or wedding? What can you do this time to reassure her that your feelings for your ex are a thing of the very distant past while also allowing for the reality that having a relationship with this son and his family will create conditions in which you will all be at some events together? How do you as a couple repair the trust issue from the past in a way that doesn’t involve asking a grown man not to freely talk with his mother about his own life?
Keep in mind that adjusting to these new relationships will be a process, but being able to articulate feelings without issuing ultimatums (this goes for both of you) will create a safe and healing experience this time around. You can’t predict everything that will come up, but you can be intentional about the choices you make together. You’ll need to take things slowly, talking openly to find ways to balance the needs of your marriage with the needs and feelings of the other people around you—people who also have a lot at stake in this situation. For example, attempting to ostracize your son’s mother by not being in her presence or insisting that her son edit what he tells her sends your son the message that his mom is “bad”—and given that he’s half made up of her, he may well internalize a sense of “badness” about himself. In addition, his mom will come up in conversation if he has questions about the story of how he came to be and what happened between his parents, which he has a right to know. As you become acquainted with him, you’ll also learn how long he’s known about you, how he found out, and why he chose to contact you now—all topics that will involve his mom and about which you should be open.
You might also have questions you need to process yourself, such as why your ex-girlfriend didn’t tell you about your son, and you may want to have some conversations with her about his early life. But this time, each step will entail open dialogue about your respective needs and concerns, and you and your wife can set boundaries you negotiate together. Engaging in these discussions builds the trust that was missing the first time around, and strengthens the already solid bond you and your wife have created. Having a second chance to get this right at this time in your lives might just be an extra gift that the discovery of your son brings your way.
Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.
