I like my bikes the way I like my tuna melts: no batteries, no Bluetooth connections, and no suspension systems.
That’s why I prefer a bike like the Homer…
…over a bike like the Kona Aburrido or whatever it’s called:
I mean it’s fine if that’s what you’re into, but I simply don’t wanna deal with this stuff:
At the same time, I don’t only like sensible steel bikes with friction shifting and fenders. We all have our turn-ons that defy logic and pragmatism, and mine is road racing bikes. Sure, certain things like disc brakes can ruin it for me, since they’re sort of like spinach in the teeth:
But as much as I fancy myself a regular “Joe Tuna Melt” I also do get the visceral appeal of a high-end road racing bike, and I still enjoy riding them.
The problem is that they’re expensive. Some people say Rivendae are expensive because they cost more than Surlys or whatever (FOR CHRISSAKES STOP COMPARING RIVENDELLS TO SURLYS), but high-end road racing bikes are expensive. For example, here’s one which I’ve chosen more or less at random:
The bike is apparently easy to ride (whatever that means), but that’s not what we’re looking at here:
What we’re looking at is the price, and this one costs fifteen thousand dollars:
Which is comparable to what other pro-level race bikes costs:
Now, I’m not saying this is wrong or anything like that. Sure, I do think the name is terrible. “ENVE Melee,” really?!? They might as well have called it the ENVE Meanie Miney Moe. But the price is the price, and absolutely nobody is forcing you to buy an ENVE Melee. In fact, as far as road bikes go, if you ignore the stratospherically-priced top-of-the-line models the Freds of today arguably have it better than the Freds of yesteryear.
Nevertheless, if you do want to own a top-of-the-line road bike, this does pose a bit of a practical problem for anyone who doesn’t have $15,000 to spend on a hunk of plastic. Sure, you can get a lower-end model, but it’s not the same thing. Well, fine, practically speaking is the same thing, since nobody’s scranus can detect the difference between the moduli of carbon fibers; for that matter, a blindfolded Fred couldn’t even tell Dura-Ace from 105, and Pogačar probably would have won the Tour on a Bikesdirect special. Still, let’s allow that there’s a certain kick that comes from riding a race bike with the “best” stuff (even if the kick is based almost entirely on the logos you see when you put your head down), and at that price a bike like the ENVE Melee (Jesus, that name!) remains the domain of the wealthy and/or financially reckless. Sure, Richard Branson may be able to get a bike like that, but even he can’t afford a jersey to go with it:
BUT!
The good news is that these stratospheric prices can’t undermine the very best thing about bikes. And what is the very best thing about bikes? Is it the freedom? Is it the joy they confer to their riders? Is it the fact that an inexpensive bike is just as capable of granting both joy and freedom as an expensive one?
Nah.
It’s the depreciation!
At $15,000 you may not be able to buy Pogačar’s Colnago:
But for a tenth of that price you could buy Johan Museeuw’s Colnago, which at the time seemed no less exotic, and which today also has the distinction of being iconic:
Of course it helps a lot to be old enough to have wanted these bikes when they were new, which is unfortunate for the young, who lack not only money but the necessary perspective to appreciate a true bargain. To them a bike like this probably seems primitive, but to me it’s a dream bike, and the lack of anything that requires batteries or fluids only makes it better:
Oh sure, the Dream Bikes Of Yesteryear won’t come with a dual-sided power meter (I don’t even know what that means) like the Tarmac SL8, but the good news is you you don’t need that, because you suck. How do I know you suck? Because if you didn’t suck someone would not only have given you that Specialized S-Works Tarmac SL8 with a dual-sided power meter already, but you’d also be getting a paycheck in order to ride it.
Of course the real question is whether the bikes of today will be similarly desirable in 20 years. 9-speed cassettes are now cheap and abundant, but will you be able to get a firmware update for a wireless drivetrain in 2044? It could be that by then a 2003 LeMond will be easier to keep on the road than a 2024 ENVE Melee. Only time will tell.
Either way, given the price of a top-of-the-line race bike today, it’s probably worth the wait.
