In the comments on yesterday’s post, a reader mentioned this shocking story:
And by “shocking” I mean I was shocked it didn’t happen at the Gran Fondo New York:
Clearly, evading doping controls at amateur races is becoming a cycling discipline unto itself.
As for this latest story, here’s what happened:
I of course wanted to know more about Giovambattista Iera, cyclist and former actor. If you think about it, cheating to win amateur bike races is a natural progression after not making it as an actor, since both arenas allow you to build a fake persona around yourself, though if you suck at acting you suck at acting, whereas if you suck at cycling you can cheat and if you’re lucky maybe you’ll get away with it for awhile. Really, he fits the FBI’s Rogue Douche Profile almost to a T, and the only thing missing is a stint as a restauranteu–oh, wait, sorry, he did that too:
And yes, I checked photos from news stories to make sure that’s him:
Wouldn’t want to smear an innocent restauranteur.
Ultimately, I think his only mistake (besides running down the race director, you really shouldn’t do that) was not styling himself as a gravel privateer and influencer on Instagram, because that’s the real growth area for ambitious bike enthusiasts with borderline personality disorder these days. Just ask my new riding buddy and life coach Alt Road Overshort:
And his friend who must have laundered his clothing in a detergent that’s really wreaking havoc with his eczema:
And yes, as the kinds of people who wear MAAP clothing know, gravel is totally over. Now it’s all about sand, which is just gravel, only much smaller:
Either that or I thought I was on the MAAP site but was actually on a page for the new Dune movie:
Jesus. Get some sun. Crack a smile. Eat some freaking Chipotle. LIVE, GODDAMN IT, LIVE!
I do really like that gravel dais though:
The new Alt Gravel Dais is only $2,500 from MAAP and it allows you to wear your Alt cycling wardrobe at all times, even when you’re off the bike, because standing on a patch of gravel will still keep your outfit in context and let everyone know you’re a fashion victim gravelista and just not someone from a dystopian near future who slipped through a wormhole in time. You can stand on the Alt Gravel Dais while you’re waiting for the subway, hanging out at the bar with friends, or suffering through a lecture from your parents before they lend you $15,000 for that six-month bikepacking trip. (It’s an investment, it’ll create content, you’ll monetize it!) Or you can use it on the bike too for when there’s no gravel around–just stop, throw it down, ride over it, and repeat. The Alt Gravel Dais from MAAP, it lets you take your lifestyle with you.
As for the forgotten ghost world of non-gravel bikes, as of yesterday I’ve officially taken the rehabilitated ‘Noner for its first ride:
But before going any further, I’d like to address the stem. Sure, a commenter yesterday said I could have chosen a classier one, but this one has different settings! It goes from 3 (Slammed) all the way to 0 (Woosie):
Anyway, in setting out, I donned a jersey to honor the bike’s Canadian heritage:
Between an end-of-the-weekend gastrointestinal freakout and my sundry “responsibilities,” I hadn’t been on the bike since Saturday, and I found that while I was gone summer had arrived:
It meant business too, because not only was it hot, but the air was thick with bugs and this cottony crap:
I don’t know what tree or plant this stuff comes from, but it was absolutely everywhere:
All of this conspired to imbue the day with a feeling of lethargy, and even the bunnies couldn’t be bothered to hop away when you got close to them:
Both the weather and the bike had come a long way since our first ride:
The ‘Noner felt great:
Though after a few miles I stopped to check it over:
Overall, the 8-speed Chorus shifters are working well, and I hope they continue to do so for awhile because I like the way they feel and it’s fun to have Campagnolo Ergo again:
There’s a softness here and there that leads me to wonder how much more life the internals have in them, but it’s hard to tell how much of that is just me not being used to them and paying too much attention to stuff, and for all my troubles with the cassette the shifting is smooth* and accurate:
*[If you can call Campy smooth; it’s more a “ker-klunk” with Campy, but you know what I mean.]
The hubs still need service and the bottom bracket should be replaced, but otherwise the parts seem to be in good shape:
The headset is smooth:
So are the brakes:
And both the Athena “9 speed” (if I’m reading that correctly) rear derailleur…
…and Centaur “10 speed” derailleur are doing what they need to do:
Though I do only think of one thing when I hear “Centaur:”
As for the frame, there’s this whole situation, which seems like it could have happened in transit since that’s where the wheel axle likes to rub against the frame when you pack a bike in a box:
Then there’s the dinged top tube:
And an overall smattering of rust:
But it’s considerably healthier than it was when it showed up at the Tan Tenovo Home For Wayward Bikes:
We’ll see how it holds up.
