In 1888, John Boyd Dunlop, with the help of his beard, revolutionized the still-nascent pursuit of cycling when he introduced the pneumatic bicycle tire:
136 years later, cycling is poised for another air-filled revolution that will no doubt be just as profound, for a reader informs me that some nutjob is working on an inflatable bib short:
Every year around this time at least one reader gets taken in by some cycling website’s April Fools gag and forwards me a link to it, so I assumed this was yet another such instance–but no, this is an actual thing, and the idea is that your bib short will serve as air bag in the event of a collision, presumably protecting the small portion of your body it actually covers, meaning you can ride free from fear of getting road rash on your nipples:
So wait, is it meant to be worn over the jersey? But yes, there’s nothing more discreet than wearing a spare tire around your chest, something that hasn’t been done in the last 70 years:
I’ll stick with the spare tire around my middle, because that’s about as discreet as whatever’s going on inside of this guy’s shorts:
Sure, maybe it’s his saddle, but what’s the other lump by the top tube?
Speaking of which, who goes through all the trouble of designing an inflatable bib short without making an inflatable chamois?
Inflat-a-Taint™ technology would be sure to become the new Mips.
Of course, inflatable safety gear for cyclists has a precedent in the Hövding. No, a Hövding isn’t what that old-timey cyclist has in his pants, a Hövding is an airbag helmet, and it has been a tremendous success. Oh, wait, no it hasn’t:
For their part, Hövding are defiantly puffing out their chests and insisting they’ve “saved the lives of cyclists” for 12 years:
“My Hövding saved my life” testimonials are about as believable as alien abduction stories, and you’d be hard-pressed to find one that doesn’t come from Hövding:
If there’s any truth to this story at all, I’d be willing to bet that what actually happened was that her airbag helmet spontaneously inflated and sent her crashing to the ground, because these things are more prone to accidental discharge than a virgin on date night:
But it’s good to know you’re safe in the produce aisle:
And inflatables aren’t the only thing that’s making a comeback in cycling; so too is bonded frame construction. Not only is there the artisanal hand-crafted Trek 2300, which starts at 5,500 Canadian Party Coupons:
Though of course you can always buy the genuine article at a tiny fraction of the price. I even know a guy:
But another reader informs me you can also buy an artisanal hand-crafted Trek 1200 starting at a mere 2,300 American Fun Tickets:
The idea that bicycles made in Taiwan somehow lack authenticity or soul has always been kinda gross, but hey, at least they’re being honest about what you’re getting for your money. See, it’s better than other bikes since it’s made slowly and inefficiently over a period of weeks in Portland, as opposed to expertly and exquisitely by those uncool people overseas–and it shows, which is why the bike has the aesthetics of a folding beach chair:
So basically it’s like buying lemonade from a kid at a stand: you’re paying way too much for something that was made from a mix, but it’s not about the actual product, it’s about patting the kid on the head and congratulating him for pretending to work.
Perhaps over time they’ll refine their technique so that they’re producing show-stoppers like this:
[Made by hand in Waterloo, WI out of domestic aluminum!]
Though I admit that’s a pretty high bar.
