Happy Friday!
So while you were sitting around scratching your ass and watching Hulu this guy just went ahead and invented the dropper handlebar, that’s all, no big whoop:
Not only does it have suspension, but it allows you to adjust your bar height on the fly:
This bad boy will be on the new Specialized Diverge within the next five years, and I hereby bestow upon it a well-earned Just Buy A Rivendell (JBAR) Award, which is just one of these things spraypainted gold:
In other exciting tech news, you may recall that the latest advancement in wheel technology is the hookless rim, which allows for tire blowoffs whilst yielding absolutely no tangible benefits:
Well Zipp have now solved the problem properly-designed rims had already solved by partnering with the blimp people on a special tire:
Now, it’s important to remember that the fact Zipp wheels can’t hold a tire on when you ride over a bump was in no way Zipp’s fault; rather, it was the surface of the Earth’s fault for being bumpy:
In fact it’s so not their fault that you really should use this special tire:
Within 10 years you will absolutely have to use very specific rim and tire combinations only, and on top of that you’ll probably need to have your tires professionally installed, but the upside of all that is that when you make your service appointment you can also have them do a bar height adjustment while the bike is in the shop:
All in that oughta run you about a grand in parts and labor, but they’ll throw in the drivetrain battery diagnostic for free.
Finally, speaking of the Diverge, it’s a cousin to the Roubaix, which for years has been the ultimate JBAR bike–and I guess there’s a new one now:
And it of course features the Future Shock front suspension cartridge:
They call it the Future Shock because if you ever need to replace it in the future you’ll be shocked by how much it costs:
Though the price and the perception that it makes you a better descender is worth it for the “imbalance in terms of ride quality” you’ll enjoy the rest of the time:
It’s enough to make you pine for the old days when the Roubaix used to come with Zertz. If you’re unfamiliar with Zertz, it may sound like a brand of cough drop, but it was a supposedly magical vibration-damping insert they used to stick in the frames and the seatpost:
If you wanted to enjoy the vibration-damping qualities of Zertz on a non-Zertz-compatible bike, they could be inserted rectally, though Specialized didn’t officially support this and would not be held liable for any medical bills you might incur as a result. (Don’t ask me how I know, I found out the hard way.)
It’s noteworthy that at the time Specialized opted for the dubious benefit of the Zertz when they could have instead harnessed the obvious benefits of medium-reach and wider tires…yet instead like the rest of the industry they waited until discs took over then suddenly you got not only the wide tires but also an expensive and proprietary suspension system to shut you the fuck up once and for all.
You might as well just buy a….do I even need to say it?
